Sidewalk Conversations...

Last week was unusually hot in LA and since my parking garage is a few blocks from my apartment, I have to do that daily grueling walk from my stuffy parking garage down the street to my apartment. It was no fun last week when every day seemed to be at least 100 degrees- especially when you are carrying 20 lbs. of groceries (I can't leave anything behind!) So, here I was, at the corner of disgustingly hot and my building, waiting for the light to change. I'm pretty sure I had pit stains, a sweat mustache, red cheeks and my baby belly was out and about when a 'homeless' guy stops next to me and asks me how I was doing. I say 'homeless' because he appeared (and smelled) homeless yet he was carrying a brand new cell phone. I answered, 'fine' and asked how he was. He didn't make eye contact with me (in fact he was looking above my head) but rambled on and on about how he was fine until he went into the Metro PCS store down the street to get his new phone and they wouldn't give him one. And he's been a loyal customer for four years! The nerve of them! He wasn't going to take it anymore and made them call their manager to settle this out. Mind you- THIS IS THE LONGEST LIGHT EVER! Finally, just as the light changed, he asked me how my day was and I replied 'great!' His response? "Well, you are modeling all day so I bet your days are always great!" I wiped off my sweat mustache and smiled. Thanks?  

Now That's A Shit Storm!

First, I would like to warn you that this post is not for the queasy at heart....As some of you may know, my parent's had a fire in their house while we were at my wedding in Austin, Texas (not a good thing to come home to after such an amazing weekend). Although the actual house didn't burn down, the damage was immense and while their home is being restored, they have been living in their camper in the yard. At least they don't have to live in a van down by the river! So, for the past five months, it has been a great big happy and tight-knit Demchak family living situation in the camper. My parents, Nelly (the dog) and Riley and Stella (the cats). 

For the past week, my parents had been smelling something funky around the front door of the camper and my dad was convinced that there must have been an animal that crawled up into one of the panels underneath the camper and died. They were regularly getting the sewage tank pumped out, so it couldn't have been that! My dad was on a mission to find the root of the smell and since he happened to be on vacation that week, he had the time to search the camper thoroughly and finally find the culprit. He cleaned out every single cabinet, drawer, nook and cranny on the inside of the camper looking for some sort of dead animal or rotten food that could have been left behind. Nothing. The smell still lingered. Next, he cleaned out all of the storage spots on the outside of the camper and still he found nothing. The smell still lingered. He was at his wits' end and decided to crawl under the camper and remove all of the panels to see if somehow the dead animal had crawled beneath the camper, died and was stinking up the neighborhood! One by one, he removed the panels, looked around and found nothing. He got to the very last panel, obviously frustrated, and slowly removed it. And down came the shit storm!!!!!!!! Apparently, there was some sort of blockage under the sewage tank and even though the tank was being pumped out regularly, there were some 'stuff' that was left behind, building up in that panel and stinking up the place. And now it was all over my dad. He jumped up, stripped down, hosed himself off (and I am assuming he ran around the yard naked, screaming like a girl). Then he took two showers, hosed down the camper, hooked it up to the truck, drove to the hardware store to buy some lime solution, came home, hosed down the lawn, then doused it with the lime solution, Then, he hooked the camper back up to the truck, moved it back to the 'designated living area' took another shower and called it a day. Since my mom was at work the whole time, when she got home, since nothing looked like it was moved, she had no clue what had happened until my dad told her about the 'shit storm'........EWWW!

And Baby Makes Three....

You Know What They Say About Big Feet...

Here is the play-by-play of my lunch hour today:

Me: Went into Trader Joe's to grab a juice and salad then proceeded outside to sit on the bench, enjoy the day and eat.

The cutest old man ever (still wearing his bike helmet) comes outside of Trader Joe's with a bunch of bananas.

Me: Smiles at cutest old man ever.

Cutest old man ever: Smiles back at me and comes and sits next to me on the bench.

Me: Watching cutest old man ever put his bunch of bananas into his reusable bag to load into his bike basket.

Cutest old man ever: "You know, when I was in high school, I used to work at a shoe store."

Me: "You did?"

Cutest old man ever: Pointing at my shoes.

Me: Thinking he is going to tell me that he likes my choice of shoes.

Cutest old man ever: "Back in those days, I never saw a foot that big!"

Me: A little taken aback/ shocked/ dying laughing inside. "Yup, I do have big feet!"

Cutest old man ever: "Have a nice day!" Gets on bike and rides off.

Crochet Me Not

Even though I absolutely love my long, crochet-knit vest,  here are a few reasons why that article of clothing is not the most practical in the real world:

When wearing the vest to the BottleRock festival last weekend, I took home every single thing that was on the ground that night.....hay, bark, brambles, straw, grass. Every time I walk by my dresser, it gets caught on the drawer knobs and I have to untangle myself and shut the drawer. It's so long that it got stuck in between my legs when I was carrying bags of groceries from my car to my apartment on the busy streets of Downtown L.A. and made me trip. Every single time I stood up from my chair at work today, I was stuck on the lever that makes the chair go up and down. I shut it in my car door. Twice. While walking by an electric wheelchair at Trader Joe's today, my vest got caught on the arm and I was yanked backwards.

DJ Tanner In Tha House!

Last weekend, I think I found my new hobby…..(How many times have I said that one, right?) First there was the pickling, then the hand modeling, now it’s becoming a DJ. Anthony and I were at Sarah and Paul’s house for Memorial Day weekend when Paul showed me his DJ equipment. I was intrigued and had to learn how to do it- it can’t be that hard especially if Paris Hilton does this in clubs all over the world, right? Wrong! This is why Calvin Harris makes over $60 million a year I guess! (I am still convinced that Paris has someone mix her set for her and she just pushes the ‘play’ button on her iTunes and moves her hands around the turntables all night while wearing headphones). After I watched Paul, he explained the system, the board and all of those buttons to me. It was quite overwhelming at first but after a few tries at it (and a shot of vodka, of course) I found my groove. I even found my name (thanks to my favorite childhood TV show Full House) - DJ Tanner. Next up, buying all that equipment….Ibiza, Miami, Vegas, here I come!

Girl, You’ve Got To Get A New Trick!

A few weekends ago, Beth and I had our yearly Stagecoach trip, of course equipped with our flasks. Last year, we thought we were geniuses because Beth discovered flasks that looked like tampons and sunscreen and no one suspected a thing! This year apparently, they are catching on and our little flask tricks are stale. On Day One, Beth filled her sunscreen bottle flask up and confidently walked to the entrance where they were searching bags. I went through fine since I wasn’t smuggling any contraband this time but when I turned and watched Beth’s face as the guy reached in her bag and picked up the ‘sunscreen bottle,’ my heart dropped. I mean, the worst thing that is going to happen is they are going to dump out the alcohol and take the flask, but it’s the part about getting away with it that makes it the most exciting. I was staring into Beth’s eyes as he was shaking the ‘sunscreen bottle’ for what seemed like a full minute and as I tried to stay calm, she looked like she was about ready to take off running. I swear she was like a cartoon and her feet started gaining speed and spinning as the dirt formed a giant cloud behind her. Eventually, he put the ‘sunscreen’ back in her bag and we were on our way into the festival, thanking our lucky stars we had ‘free’ vodka for the night. But things weren’t as easy on Day Two….

As Beth walked up to the guy who I told her looked like the best option in laid back security that day, he immediately turned into a highly decorated FBI agent who was not going to let us get away with anything. He took out her ‘tampons’ and held them in his left hand while he did a thorough right hand only search through every crevice of her bag. Beth and I were actually feeling on top of the world at this moment and didn’t suspect any foul play when he handed her back the bag sans the ‘tampons.’ When Beth kindly asked Sergeant McHardass for her feminine products, he laughed and said, “girl, you’ve got to get a new trick!” Cue the cartoon feet and the cloud of dust…..and we're off!