DJ Tanner In Tha House!

Last weekend, I think I found my new hobby…..(How many times have I said that one, right?) First there was the pickling, then the hand modeling, now it’s becoming a DJ. Anthony and I were at Sarah and Paul’s house for Memorial Day weekend when Paul showed me his DJ equipment. I was intrigued and had to learn how to do it- it can’t be that hard especially if Paris Hilton does this in clubs all over the world, right? Wrong! This is why Calvin Harris makes over $60 million a year I guess! (I am still convinced that Paris has someone mix her set for her and she just pushes the ‘play’ button on her iTunes and moves her hands around the turntables all night while wearing headphones). After I watched Paul, he explained the system, the board and all of those buttons to me. It was quite overwhelming at first but after a few tries at it (and a shot of vodka, of course) I found my groove. I even found my name (thanks to my favorite childhood TV show Full House) - DJ Tanner. Next up, buying all that equipment….Ibiza, Miami, Vegas, here I come!

Girl, You’ve Got To Get A New Trick!

A few weekends ago, Beth and I had our yearly Stagecoach trip, of course equipped with our flasks. Last year, we thought we were geniuses because Beth discovered flasks that looked like tampons and sunscreen and no one suspected a thing! This year apparently, they are catching on and our little flask tricks are stale. On Day One, Beth filled her sunscreen bottle flask up and confidently walked to the entrance where they were searching bags. I went through fine since I wasn’t smuggling any contraband this time but when I turned and watched Beth’s face as the guy reached in her bag and picked up the ‘sunscreen bottle,’ my heart dropped. I mean, the worst thing that is going to happen is they are going to dump out the alcohol and take the flask, but it’s the part about getting away with it that makes it the most exciting. I was staring into Beth’s eyes as he was shaking the ‘sunscreen bottle’ for what seemed like a full minute and as I tried to stay calm, she looked like she was about ready to take off running. I swear she was like a cartoon and her feet started gaining speed and spinning as the dirt formed a giant cloud behind her. Eventually, he put the ‘sunscreen’ back in her bag and we were on our way into the festival, thanking our lucky stars we had ‘free’ vodka for the night. But things weren’t as easy on Day Two….

As Beth walked up to the guy who I told her looked like the best option in laid back security that day, he immediately turned into a highly decorated FBI agent who was not going to let us get away with anything. He took out her ‘tampons’ and held them in his left hand while he did a thorough right hand only search through every crevice of her bag. Beth and I were actually feeling on top of the world at this moment and didn’t suspect any foul play when he handed her back the bag sans the ‘tampons.’ When Beth kindly asked Sergeant McHardass for her feminine products, he laughed and said, “girl, you’ve got to get a new trick!” Cue the cartoon feet and the cloud of dust…..and we're off!

Just Call Me Bo!

Last week, my new husband Anthony and I went on our honeymoon to St. Maarten. Most newlywed guys would ask their wife to bring that sexy lingerie on the trip, or perhaps request a couples massage at the hotel, but my husband? He wanted me to get my hair braided on the island! So of course I said hell yeah! I found a sweet local lady named Emily who told me she could braid my hair for $2.00 per strand, and thinking that there was no way she could get any more than 40 strands out of my head, I figured I would do it. She took Anthony and I to a bench on the boardwalk, instructed me to hand her the aluminum foil and beads after each strand, and got to work. I'd have to say that I have the best husband in the world for sitting with us during the whole process in the sweltering heat for two and a half hours. I had no idea it would take that long and I couldn't see what she was doing but knowing that I had handed her way more than 40 beads, I figured I'd be reaching into the bottom of my piggy bank to pay her off...

After she finished, she told Anthony she was going to count the strands for us while he watched- she didn't want to rip us off! One, two...turned into ten, twenty...thirty...fifty...seventy....83!!!!! Holy crap, 83 strands! I laughed while Anthony shook his head. I handed Emily the cash and shrugged my shoulders- hey, I'm on vacation! I immediately felt like Monica from that episode of Friends when she gets her braids caught in the shower curtain and then I felt like a six year old who had just returned from the carnival.....I needed to put on some makeup ASAP and turn this hairdo into a sexy Bo Derek look! After an hour in the bathroom (trying to pin back some of those beaded strands was a nightmare) I thought I had achieved as close to Bo Derek as I was going to get.

The worst part about the hairdo (besides getting a scalp burn in Anguilla the next day due to the visible scalp exposure) was taking out the braids. Even though Anthony almost paid me to wear my braids to work on Tuesday when we got home, there was no way I was walking into my office in 'Caribbean Business Casual' attire. So, on Sunday night, Anthony helped my take out all the beads (again, I have an amazing husband) and I went with just braids for the next couple of days. But I knew that it was time to take them out when I arrived at the airport in New York and people were staring at me like I was trying to be Fergie from The Black Eyed Peas circa 1999. So I began the grueling process of undoing the teeny tiny strands of braids in the American Airlines lounge (oh the stares I got) until it was time to board the plane. At this point, I looked like I had a mini afro only at the top of my head. Of course when I got on the plane (thank goodness for business class) we were sitting by Leeza Gibbons and David Tutera and I was mortified that they would have to witness me taking out my braids but I had to do it! It took me the entire Birdman movie and half of The Theory of Everything to get those things out and I swear I looked just like one of those Silkie chickens when I was finished. Note to self- tell Emily next time to cap off the braids at 25 strands...

It's Not a Wedding Ceremony Without the Heimlich!

As you all probably know, I got married last weekend and as much as I would love to say that the ceremony was flawless, I would be lying if I did. But the element of surprise is what makes most weddings stand out and those little moments that go 'wrong' can actually be the most memorable of them all. Like at my sister's wedding, just as my dad gave Grace away, JJ's niece walked right up to her and said, "Grace, you look so beautiful!" It was one of the most special moments of the day. And although my little moment that went 'wrong' was nothing like that, it was extremely memorable to anyone that may have witnessed it....(hopefully the videographer got something).

My adorable two year old nephew Saigen was my ring bearer and since it is so hard for any two year old to follow directions, we made a deal with him that if he walked down the aisle with the ring box and gave the rings to the Best Man, Ray, he would get a treat. So once he handed over those coveted rings, Ray gave him a piece of candy. And while Amber usually doesn't condone hard candies for two year olds, she knew that he would take one lick of that peppermint, consider it too spicy for his taste and spit it out. She quickly assisted in the unwrapping of the candy and sent him over to hang with the guys as she took her place with the girls as my Matron of Honor. Well, apparently this particular hard candy was lime flavored and actually tasty to Saigen and he swallowed it immediately. Mind you, I was apparently so wrapped up in the ceremony that I never saw any of this but here is how it allegedly went down...

Saigen swallowed the candy whole, Amber saw his eyes get big, realized that he was choking and ran over to him. She picked him up (bouquet still in hand) gave him the Heimlich Maneuver, grabbed the candy off the ground and threw it like she was trying to throw someone out at second base and ran back in her place just as the ceremony began. I saw nothing and Saigen was quickly scooped up by one of Anthony's groomsmen and was as cool as a cucumber for the entire ceremony......Luckily there were a few photos to document this event and hopefully Saigen will laugh at this in about ten years.

Lessons Of The Week...

I've learned a lot in my 33 years but it seems that this past week, I was very overwhelmed with a few life lessons that I hadn't experienced yet...Lesson One: Don't heat up your Brussels Sprouts in the kitchen microwave at work. Your boss will run around the office asking why it stinks like broccoli and then your co-workers will make fun of you all afternoon. Lesson Two: If you try Frank Body Scrub (it's literally overpriced coffee grounds that you scrub all over your body to get rid of your dead skin), only take one handful of the coffee scrub in the shower with you. Otherwise you and your bathroom will smell like the local diner at the peak of the breakfast rush and your tub will be stained black.

Lesson Three: Don't have any packages delivered to the San Diego Hard Rock Hotel, they will sit in the mail room for a week. My good friend Rania sent a bottle of champagne to the hotel for me to receive upon my check in this past weekend since she wasn't able to make it to my Bachelorette Party. She texted me yesterday asking me how I liked the champagne and I was like, HUH??? Come to find out (after almost a half an hour on hold with the manager at the hotel) it had been sitting in the mail room all week. Awesome! Lesson Four: Don't day drink in excess on the night of your Bachelorette Party...you will pass out at 10:30 PM. Lesson Five: Don't get a spray tan before you get a manicure and pedicure. The water will turn brown and you will look like you are wearing white socks and gloves. Lesson Six: Don't drink a lot of vodka when you usually only drink beer at your sister's Bachelorette Party. You will puke in front of all your big sister's friends and then again on the street in front of a little boy and his dad. Dad to his son as Grace is puking- "that's why you don't drink so much, son!"

No Worries, I Can Fix It!

I've been known to pull some MacGyver moves in the past and I think it's due to my father being the best handyman I have ever met. This week, our fridge started to make a loud rattling noise which was driving Anthony and I nuts! It only seemed to stop when you would push it to one side but clearly we can't stand there all night and apply pressure to the left side of the fridge...we do have lives! I was at my wits end (and yes, we do have a handyman that should be en route to fix this problem any moment) and needed to fix the problem ASAP, so I used my (blonde) brain and came up with a great solution- a paper cup! I shoved it between the wall and the fridge to give it that pressure it needed to stop the rattling...I'm a freaking genius! Although the noise stopped, it does make a loud crackling sound every time you open the fridge, which freaks both Anthony and I out because we forget that it's the cup making the noise and not a monster living in our wall. I guess you win some, you lose some.....

Blonde Moments Part Deux

I had another blonde moment month where it seemed like I was consecutively saying and doing dumb things back to back...and frankly even I laughed after each of these incidents. Duh! Here we go. On our direct flight to Austin a few weekends ago, I was thinking about how my friend Beth is terrified of flying but she is graciously heading out to Austin for our wedding. I was hoping that her flying experience would be perfect on the way to the wedding and I turned to Anthony and asked, "do they have a direct flight from L.A. to Austin?" We were on it...

Anthony and I did a three day juice cleanse last week and since I didn't have to work on MLK Day, I agreed that I would walk the 6 or 7 blocks to Pressed Juicery to pick up the juice. It didn't occur to me until I was cashing out that I just bought 36 bottles of juice and had to walk the 6 or 7 blocks back home. By the time I arrived at our apartment, I was sweaty and practically bruised from the bag straps.

Anthony and I went to Drago Centro for a few drinks earlier this month (it's a pretty trendy and happening spot during Happy Hour) and I had to pee really bad. I walked over to where the bathroom was (in plain sight of Anthony at the bar) and pulled on the door, which didn't open. I assumed that it was locked but thought that it was weird that there was only a single stall at a busy restaurant like this one. I waited almost five minutes and decided to go back to the bar and wait there. I told Anthony that there was someone in the bathroom and I would have to suck it up and deal with the pain of having to pee when I saw an older lady walk right up to that same bathroom door and push it open. I looked at Anthony, smiled and said, "apparently you have to push the door, not pull!"