Friday, June 9, 2017

What Am I?

I am sure everyone has been in this situation before…you are at a restaurant or bar and you have to use the bathroom. You get to the bathroom doors and have no clue which one to walk in! Am I a ‘Skunk’ or a ‘Sloth?’ A ‘Clover’ or a ‘Flower?’ A ‘Gypsy’ or a ‘Pirate?’ Can’t these people just say ‘Men’ or ‘Women’ already!? By the time you figure it out, your bladder is about ready to explode and you are ready to bust through the door with the ‘Rooster’ on it, forgetting that you are most likely a ‘Cat.’ And if you have had a few drinks? Forget about it- the signs may have well be in French! This exact situation has happened to me a few times (am I just not as witty and clever as I think I am?) but this time it was a whole different story…

We were at the Temecula Creek Inn for our friend’s 40th birthday party. We had been wine tasting all day and when we got back to the hotel, we went to the bar to continue the festivities. I had a few martinis and then had to go to the bathroom. I asked Anthony where the bathroom was and he pointed behind the bar and told me the doors were to the left. I got up, walked exactly where he told me and came upon 2 doors next to each other. One said ‘Sage 1’ and one said ‘Sage 2.’ SHIT. Okay, this one was like a riddle- how the heck was I supposed to know what kind of Sage I am? Are they talking about the herb? Maybe these are gender neutral bathrooms and if you have to go number one you go to the ‘Sage 1’ door? Ugh. No, that wouldn’t be possible…..right? Not only did I have to pee badly, I was wearing a romper so the process of taking it off was going to take a while so there was no time to waste! Just as I was racking my brain for anagrams for the letters SAGE, I saw a few girls walk by me and head around the corner. I followed them and saw two clearly marked doors: 'Gentleman’ & ‘Ladies.’ Duh! I still have no clue what those 'Sage' doors lead to. Probably the electrical room or something….

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Santa Claus is Coming to Town (in an Uber)

Last December, we decided to take Meyer to Santa’s Village in Lake Arrowhead so she could get a second shot with the big guy. The first time she met him with Grandma, she was NOT a fan! Although our experience at Santa's Village was not the best (it had just re-opened but nothing was fully operating ‘yet’) and we had to buy cables to put on the Tahoe to get there (I am from Maine and have NEVER had to use these), Meyer actually smiled for her picture with Santa this time! The best part? We got to meet him twice! First, when he was in his work attire (aka Jolly Old St. Nick) sitting in the sleigh, and again as we were leaving the park, as casual Santa. 
Before we got on the road, we had pulled over to the side of the parking lot to adjust the cables on the Tahoe. A baby blue minivan pulled up next to us and out stepped Mr. Claus himself, except this time he was in his regular clothes (but clearly recognizable). He asked if we needed any help and I thought, ‘what is this, Miracle on 34th Street?’ We told him thanks but we were just adjusting the cables on the tires, yet he stayed and decided to make small talk. He asked if we remembered him (like he was Clark Kent and just removed his glasses)…umm duh, we just sat on your lap! I looked over at his van and noticed that he had the familiar Uber sticker on his dashboard and thought, holy crap! Santa is an Uber driver too? What else does this guy do? Can you imagine if you called an Uber and on the app and it said 'Nick' will be arriving in 2 minutes in a red Toyota sleigh? He agreed with us that it sucked about having to put cables on the tires to make it up to Santa’s Village and confessed that he was almost late to work because he didn’t have any and had to go out of his way to buy some. To that I replied, “why didn’t you take the sleigh?”

Thanks. I’ll be here all night. Ho ho ho.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Meyer 2, Mister Bear 0

I am a mother. I get pooped on. A lot. I don't even flinch when it happens anymore. I just clean it up and move on. But poor Mister Bear...he didn't even see it coming! Either time....I guess it is my fault considering I keep Mister Bear on the changing table in clear view of Meyer's bare butt, so I apologize Mister Bear! The first time Mister Bear got pooped on was when Meyer was a tiny newborn and my mom and I were changing her right after I told her pediatrician that she hadn't had a poop yet since I brought her home. Well, I should have held my tongue because as soon as we got home and I took off the diaper, it was a poop storm! All over me, all over my mom, all over the floor and all over Mister Bear....into the wash he went...The second time though, Mister Bear had to uncomfortably sit covered in poop all day as my hubby failed to notice Meyer had even pooped on him. I was in bed that morning while Anthony was changing her when I heard a little baby shart followed by, 'Oh SHIT!' (No pun intended). I rolled over to see Anthony only slightly covered in poop and Meyer with a big smile on her face. He quickly cleaned her up and went off to work. It was only after I returned home from work that day and took Meyer upstairs to be changed when I noticed Mister Bear's pink hoodie now had brown polka dots all over it. Did he really not see those poop splatters this morning or did he choose not to see them? I'll never know....Nonetheless, I gave him a good soak and dry but he was not happy about it! Poor Mister Bear had to drown his sorrows in the sink and yet he returned right back on the changing table that night ...I'll never learn and Mister Bear will never catch a break!

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Another Dumb Blonde Moment

What can I say, we all have our dumb blonde moments, right? My latest one came while I was driving in my car. I always plug my phone into the USB adapter in the glove box so I can listen to my music. On the screen on my dashboard it says 'AMI' and then the title of the song that is playing. I just always assumed my phone knew where I worked (AMI Asset Management) until I was looking through my Audi User's Manual for an unrelated item and I saw it...'Audi Music Interface.' That's what AMI stands for! Duh!

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

The Multi Functioning Breast Friend

Now that I am a mother, I spend 99% of my time breastfeeding my little one. And thanks to my Breast Friend (a super handy breast feeding pillow) it is as easy as pie! But I have found that once I am done breast feeding, I can continue using the Breast Friend for many different things:

I can be a stand in for the dancing ballerina hippo in Disney's Fantasia

I can be a lifeguard at the local community pool

I can sell popcorn, peanuts or Dodger Dogs at Dodger Stadium on opening day

I can be a cocktail waitress at one of the many Vegas casinos

If I encounter another mom with a Breast Friend, we can have an impromptu Sumo Wrestling match

I can work on my solitaire skills anytime during the day, with no table required

Who knew that it was such a multi functioning product?

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

That's Just Me...Naked In The Field!

Ever since I saw the Vanity Fair with the gorgeous and pregnant Demi Moore on the cover, I knew I wanted to recreate that shot when it was time for me to have a baby. Plus, I used to be able to stick out my stomach as big as Demi's, do the pose with a straight face and make my sister, Grace practically pee was destiny that I was going to have a naked photo shoot when I was pregnant. Way before Kourtney Kardashian thought of it! Last weekend, I was lucky enough to do two photo shoots with my friends- Kari on Saturday and Ashleigh on Sunday. Although Kari and I were in the privacy of my own apartment, Ashleigh took me out into the wide-open spaces of Temecula.
The setting was perfect, quiet and way off the beaten path of any unwanted spectators. Besides Ashleigh, her friend Heather (who was playing assistant for the day) and Anthony, we were all alone. So after we took the shots in my dress, I stripped down to nothing and took the more risqué shots...I was as comfortable as ever and with the girl's encouragement (they certainly boosted my self-esteem) I felt like I was shooting the cover of Vanity Fair myself. Although we did hear a few dirt bikes zoom by below us and there was one truck that came up the road in the distance (I hid behind Anthony for that one) the pictures came out fabulous! I can't wait to embarrass Meyer one day when the photos are blown up and framed on my bathroom wall...

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Beware Of The Pregnant Lady In Row 12!

Last week I flew home to Maine alone since my husband was at the Raiders game in Oakland (he was going to meet me in Maine after the game). I usually don’t have an issue flying solo but I am 7 months pregnant and had to be on the red eye flight to JFK for almost 5 hours, which I knew would be uncomfortable. I took my window seat, got out my blanket and headphones, took off my shoes and got ready to watch TV and pass out. (Side note- unless I am extremely tired or next to my husband, I need the TV to help put me to sleep). So, to my surprise, the TV on my seat was not working. Of course, everyone else’s on the plane were fine, but mine? Stuck on a channel where they were interviewing Al Gore over and over again….not something I could fall asleep to! So I called the flight attendant over to see if there was anything she could do to help me out. She said that once the flight was in the air and the TV’s were all reset again, maybe mine would also reset and start working. So basically, she couldn’t promise me anything but fingers crossed…great! After being air born for almost 20 minutes, my TV still didn’t work and I started to get really frustrated. Everyone around me was watching TV and having a good ole’ time but I was stuck staring at Al Gore talking about the environment. I called the flight attendant back over and told her that my TV was still not working and she said that she would help me after she finished the drink service. I tried to remain calm and patient but after almost an hour of her not returning, my blood was boiling. I don’t know if it was the pregnancy hormones or what but I began to cry and rang my call button furiously. When a different flight attendant returned, I asked him if he had found a solution to my problem (through my tears). He said that unfortunately he was not trained to fix the TVs and that in order to do so , they would have to be on the ground and take apart the seat, blah blah blah. I told him that he better find me another window or aisle seat ASAP because I was not happy! (I have no idea where this ‘Erin’ came from because I usually hate confrontation and am extremely patient). Again, I think it was the pregnancy hormones. I told him that I was 7 months pregnant and uncomfortable already and he needed to find me a working TV! The poor guy next to me offered up his seat after seeing how upset I was but I declined and told him I would be just as uncomfortable in a middle seat but thanks for the offer.

I heard the flight attendant mumble ‘upset pregnant lady in row 12’ as he rushed to the back to consult with the other flight attendants and HOPEFULLY solve my problem. About 15 minutes later, he returned and told me I had two options. He said that I could take the empty middle seat in front of me with a working TV and take a Jet Blue voucher or move to the back where there were a few service dogs (as long as I wasn’t allergic) but I could have either an aisle or a window seat. I immediately declined the middle seat for obvious reasons and told him that I would sit with the pooches. As I began to wipe my tears away and gather all of my stuff, a vision went through my head of what the remainder of my flight might look like. I pictured a Mastiff and a German Shepherd sitting in the two seats out back, all buckled up with their headphones on watching TV. As I approached them, they would roll their eyes and growl as they were forced to move over and let the upset pregnant lady in just so she could have a working TV. In reality, it was a nice couple with two little white dogs, one in a carrier and one on their lap who nicely let me sit in the aisle seat. I thanked the flight attendant and my new neighbors, switched on my TV to The First 48 and passed out for the duration of the flight.