Thursday, March 27, 2014

Odd Job Resume

They say you have to go through a few hardships before you find your place in the world, right? Well, in my case, that means working various odd jobs before I finally discovered my passion. No matter how big or small the job was, it was always a learning experience and I unfailingly took something away from it. Like that summer when I worked for my brother-in-law's landscaping business. I learned that I wasn't cut out to do hard labor and if you batted your eyelashes enough you could get any guy to push a wheel barrel full of rocks for you. And at my very first job at the Hanes outlet in Freeport I learned never to walk into a dressing room if you were called in for assistance without your eyes closed because you were most likely going to see some boobs. Even though my degree is in Media Studies (what is that anyways?) and I am technically writing this blog as well as writing for Starpulse, I am still not pursing my passion full time but it's OK because I love my job and can merely chalk it up as a profession I have dabbled in. Other professions I have dabbled in you may ask? Here it goes.

One summer in high school, I worked for Gibraltar Pools in the Cooks Corner Mall in Brunswick attempting to sell unsuspecting mall shoppers a pool. Does anyone remember that random pool that sat outside the T.J. Maxx? Yup, I was that girl who approached you to ask if  had a pool already or if you were looking to buy one. Most of the time I just stood there smiling at people and wrote down all of my family and friend's phone numbers on the contact list at the end of the day. What did I get out of that job? The validation that I was not a good pool salesperson. I also worked in the SEARS in that same mall in the Home Goods section, was a salesperson (yet again?) at Victoria's Secret where I saw many more boobs in the dressing room, I was a hostess at On the Border, a hair model, a showgirl at the Bangor Casino on New Year's Eve and did my time as a promotional model for various liquor companies in which I dressed up in crazy costumes and paraded around bars in Boston.
You all know about my wiener slinging days at the hot dog stands in Freeport, I have interviewed celebs on red carpet events for Starpulse, dealt Poker, did a few runway shows, flew to North Carolina once to interview for the Miss Sprint Cup position (for all you NASCAR fans out there) and even was the emcee for the world's largest Jenga game at the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica.You want more? For one night only, I was a Go-Go Dancer at a gay bar until I discovered how uncomfortable I was walking around in a bra, underwear and Go Go boots (yes Mom, I was fully clothed) accepting dollar bills in my boots while being called 'Natasha from Slovakia.' Not proud of that one...and while I was a full time assistant at KPMG, I took a few half days to model for Boston Costume. That was actually one of my favorite jobs. I went to the back of store where they dressed me up in crazy costumes (like the Tina Turner one I shared) and took pictures of me for their website. Looking back on all of these 'occupations' I think I am ready to retire at 32. But I will keep on working for a few years until I am a stay-at-home mom/pickle maker/fitness model/novelist. Just a few more crazy jobs I'd like to try...  

Friday, March 21, 2014

My Quest For The Perfect Natural Deodorant

Last year, Anthony and I watched this documentary about the harmful toxins that are entering your body through your lotions, makeup, hairspray and deodorant. Horrified yet hesitant to give up my favorite brands, I have tried to make the switch on most of my beauty products and now I use organic, all natural shampoo, conditioner, body wash, makeup and hairspray (for the most part). But finding that perfect natural deodorant that won't leave me smelling like a Sumo Wrestler after a brief walk across the street? Next to impossible. I think I would have a better chance at actually becoming a Sumo Wrestler....

First, I tried a brand named 'Crystal' that looked straight out of the 1980's. I'm pretty sure the girl on the front of the bottle was Jane Fonda and I felt like I should be working at a strip club with that in my possession. It was the wet, roll-on type which I immediately hated but I tried it anyways to save my body from those nasty toxins. I'm not a really sweaty person naturally and only perspire heavily after a good workout. I usually didn't smell after a workout with my trusty 'Secret' deodorant, but after a light jog with 'Crystal' I smelled like a farm animal. Toss.

Next I tried some hippie brand at Whole Foods but I couldn't stand the scent of patchouli that lingered around my body like the cloud of filth that followed Pigpen from Peanuts...that one was trash. Feeling hopeless, I bought another brand from Whole Foods called 'Kiss My Face' and after using the same brand of lotion, I was feeling optimistic. That one was also sticky and smelled like a man but I decided to try it out before my spin class. Bad idea...I'm pretty sure a few people behind my bike wished they were sitting on the other side of the room. I even gagged a little after I smelled my armpit post class. 'Kiss My Face?' How about 'Kiss My Stench!'

Before I went back to my harmful, loaded with free radicals 'Secret,' I thought I would give 'Tom's of Maine' a try. I was from Maine, so it should do the trick, right? Apparently, that wasn't how it worked. This natural deodorant was not only a deodorant but an antiperspirant to boot. Hooray! I was so confident that I wouldn't stink after a quick run on the treadmill that I even had Anthony give me a whiff afterwards. Double bad idea. I smelled like I hadn't taken a bath in weeks, then took a bath in the dirty bathwater from Honey Boo Boo's entire family. I quit my search and drove to Costco to stock up on 'Secret.' What's the harm in a little aluminum when you smell like a million bucks? No harm, I promise.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

You’re Too Big To Fit In Here….

Yesterday I took my car to the car wash, which is on the ground floor of the parking structure next to my office. It was as easy as pie. For $15, I dropped my car off at 7:00 am before work and it was ready by lunch. And let me tell you, they did a fabulous job! Bob (my Audi) was very happy and couldn’t stop smiling the whole ride home. So of course once my fiancé (I’m obsessed with saying that word by the way) saw Bob he asked if I could take his Tahoe to work the next day so it could get a wash. And because I am such an amazing fiancé (I really heart that word) I agreed.

I got up the next morning, hopped in his Tahoe and began my lovely commute on the 10 freeway. I drive Anthony’s truck sometimes to work so I am familiar with it but it’s just so big compared to my little Audi. I always feel like a giant beast in his Tahoe but I like it because no one wants to mess with me. I finally arrive at the parking structure next to my work and pull in. Right off the bat I notice the swinging yellow bar above my head that said ‘clearance 6’2” and I wrinkle my brow and think, “I’m pretty sure this thing has a clearance of 6’ so I’m all good.” I pull the ticket, the gate arm opens and immediately a read light above my head starts flashing, “overweight, please back out.” A.) How dare he? And B.) OH *%$#!

I look around, duck down a little so I wouldn’t hit my head (it makes no sense, I know, but everyone does it when they drive in parking structures!) and proceeded straight ahead to the car wash. I was convinced that on my way there I was going to slice the top off Anthony’s truck, bring home a convertible to him and NEVER be able to use that word ‘fiancé’ again. But lucky for me, the Tahoe was 6’, nobody said anything to me about being too big, and his truck is nice and shiny…and in one piece.