Tut Tut, It Looks Like Rain!

Earlier this week, I read that it was going to rain (which I was excited about) but so far, it was still dry outside. So at 5:30 AM this morning when I stepped out into the garage to get into my car for work, I was delighted when I heard what sounded like buckets of water coming down. “Nice, it’s finally raining out!” So, I went back inside the house, grabbed my rain jacket, rain boots and umbrella and got myself prepared for the storm outside. When I got back into the garage and pushed the garage door opener, something just wasn’t adding up as the door began to rise. The driveway wasn’t wet at all. (Door continues to open). I don’t see any raindrops coming down. (Door continues to open). Why do I still hear water? (Door now fully open exposing a beautiful morning and me standing head to toe in rain gear). I look over to the left and see that one of our sprinkler heads had busted and we literally have Old Faithful in our front yard. Dammit! 

What Am I?

I am sure everyone has been in this situation before…you are at a restaurant or bar and you have to use the bathroom. You get to the bathroom doors and have no clue which one to walk in! Am I a ‘Skunk’ or a ‘Sloth?’ A ‘Clover’ or a ‘Flower?’ A ‘Gypsy’ or a ‘Pirate?’ Can’t these people just say ‘Men’ or ‘Women’ already!? By the time you figure it out, your bladder is about ready to explode and you are ready to bust through the door with the ‘Rooster’ on it, forgetting that you are most likely a ‘Cat.’ And if you have had a few drinks? Forget about it- the signs may have well be in French! This exact situation has happened to me a few times (am I just not as witty and clever as I think I am?) but this time it was a whole different story…

We were at the Temecula Creek Inn for our friend’s 40^th birthday party. We had been wine tasting all day and when we got back to the hotel, we went to the bar to continue the festivities. I had a few martinis and then had to go to the bathroom. I asked Anthony where the bathroom was and he pointed behind the bar and told me the doors were to the left. I got up, walked exactly where he told me and came upon 2 doors next to each other. One said ‘Sage 1’ and one said ‘Sage 2.’ SHIT. Okay, this one was like a riddle- how the heck was I supposed to know what kind of Sage I am? Are they talking about the herb? Maybe these are gender neutral bathrooms and if you have to go number one you go to the ‘Sage 1’ door? Ugh. No, that wouldn’t be possible…..right? Not only did I have to pee badly, I was wearing a romper so the process of taking it off was going to take a while so there was no time to waste! Just as I was racking my brain for anagrams for the letters SAGE, I saw a few girls walk by me and head around the corner. I followed them and saw two clearly marked doors: 'Gentleman’ & ‘Ladies.’ Duh! I still have no clue what those 'Sage' doors lead to. Probably the electrical room or something….

Santa Claus is Coming to Town (in an Uber)

Last December, we decided to take Meyer to Santa’s Village in Lake Arrowhead so she could get a second shot with the big guy. The first time she met him with Grandma, she was NOT a fan! Although our experience at Santa's Village was not the best (it had just re-opened but nothing was fully operating ‘yet’) and we had to buy cables to put on the Tahoe to get there (I am from Maine and have NEVER had to use these), Meyer actually smiled for her picture with Santa this time! The best part? We got to meet him twice! First, when he was in his work attire (aka Jolly Old St. Nick) sitting in the sleigh, and again as we were leaving the park, as casual Santa. 

Before we got on the road, we had pulled over to the side of the parking lot to adjust the cables on the Tahoe. A baby blue minivan pulled up next to us and out stepped Mr. Claus himself, except this time he was in his regular clothes (but clearly recognizable). He asked if we needed any help and I thought, ‘what is this, Miracle on 34^th Street?’ We told him thanks but we were just adjusting the cables on the tires, yet he stayed and decided to make small talk. He asked if we remembered him (like he was Clark Kent and just removed his glasses)…umm duh, we just sat on your lap! I looked over at his van and noticed that he had the familiar Uber sticker on his dashboard and thought, holy crap! Santa is an Uber driver too? What else does this guy do? Can you imagine if you called an Uber and on the app and it said 'Nick' will be arriving in 2 minutes in a red Toyota sleigh? He agreed with us that it sucked about having to put cables on the tires to make it up to Santa’s Village and confessed that he was almost late to work because he didn’t have any and had to go out of his way to buy some. To that I replied, “why didn’t you take the sleigh?”

Thanks. I’ll be here all night. Ho ho ho.

Meyer 2, Mister Bear 0

I am a mother. I get pooped on. A lot. I don't even flinch when it happens anymore. I just clean it up and move on. But poor Mister Bear...he didn't even see it coming! Either time....I guess it is my fault considering I keep Mister Bear on the changing table in clear view of Meyer's bare butt, so I apologize Mister Bear! The first time Mister Bear got pooped on was when Meyer was a tiny newborn and my mom and I were changing her right after I told her pediatrician that she hadn't had a poop yet since I brought her home. Well, I should have held my tongue because as soon as we got home and I took off the diaper, it was a poop storm! All over me, all over my mom, all over the floor and all over Mister Bear....into the wash he went...The second time though, Mister Bear had to uncomfortably sit covered in poop all day as my hubby failed to notice Meyer had even pooped on him. I was in bed that morning while Anthony was changing her when I heard a little baby shart followed by, 'Oh SHIT!' (No pun intended). I rolled over to see Anthony only slightly covered in poop and Meyer with a big smile on her face. He quickly cleaned her up and went off to work. It was only after I returned home from work that day and took Meyer upstairs to be changed when I noticed Mister Bear's pink hoodie now had brown polka dots all over it. Did he really not see those poop splatters this morning or did he choose not to see them? I'll never know....Nonetheless, I gave him a good soak and dry but he was not happy about it! Poor Mister Bear had to drown his sorrows in the sink and yet he returned right back on the changing table that night ...I'll never learn and Mister Bear will never catch a break!

Another Dumb Blonde Moment

What can I say, we all have our dumb blonde moments, right? My latest one came while I was driving in my car. I always plug my phone into the USB adapter in the glove box so I can listen to my music. On the screen on my dashboard it says 'AMI' and then the title of the song that is playing. I just always assumed my phone knew where I worked (AMI Asset Management) until I was looking through my Audi User's Manual for an unrelated item and I saw it...'Audi Music Interface.' That's what AMI stands for! Duh!

The Multi Functioning Breast Friend

Now that I am a mother, I spend 99% of my time breastfeeding my little one. And thanks to my Breast Friend (a super handy breast feeding pillow) it is as easy as pie! But I have found that once I am done breast feeding, I can continue using the Breast Friend for many different things:

I can be a stand in for the dancing ballerina hippo in Disney's Fantasia

I can be a lifeguard at the local community pool

I can sell popcorn, peanuts or Dodger Dogs at Dodger Stadium on opening day

I can be a cocktail waitress at one of the many Vegas casinos

If I encounter another mom with a Breast Friend, we can have an impromptu Sumo Wrestling match

I can work on my solitaire skills anytime during the day, with no table required

Who knew that it was such a multi functioning product?

That's Just Me...Naked In The Field!

Ever since I saw the Vanity Fair with the gorgeous and pregnant Demi Moore on the cover, I knew I wanted to recreate that shot when it was time for me to have a baby. Plus, I used to be able to stick out my stomach as big as Demi's, do the pose with a straight face and make my sister, Grace practically pee herself...it was destiny that I was going to have a naked photo shoot when I was pregnant. Way before Kourtney Kardashian thought of it! Last weekend, I was lucky enough to do two photo shoots with my friends- Kari on Saturday and Ashleigh on Sunday. Although Kari and I were in the privacy of my own apartment, Ashleigh took me out into the wide-open spaces of Temecula.

The setting was perfect, quiet and way off the beaten path of any unwanted spectators. Besides Ashleigh, her friend Heather (who was playing assistant for the day) and Anthony, we were all alone. So after we took the shots in my dress, I stripped down to nothing and took the more risqué shots...I was as comfortable as ever and with the girl's encouragement (they certainly boosted my self-esteem) I felt like I was shooting the cover of Vanity Fair myself. Although we did hear a few dirt bikes zoom by below us and there was one truck that came up the road in the distance (I hid behind Anthony for that one) the pictures came out fabulous! I can't wait to embarrass Meyer one day when the photos are blown up and framed on my bathroom wall...