Sunday, January 6, 2013

What Do You Mean You Don’t Own a Plunger!!??!!

Okay ladies, as much as we hate to confess or admit it to our men (even though they obviously know) we all poop. It’s a natural thing- haven’t you read the book, “Everybody Poops?” Well, my boyfriend found out that I too am a human being on Saturday morning. We had been on a 3 day juice cleanse since New Year’s Day consuming only leafy greens, carrots, citrus, and other fruits that can easily be juiced in our juicer that we got on New Year’s Eve as a part of our new toxic free lifestyle. Yes, we watched way too many documentaries one day that caused us to throw away all of our “toxic” cleaning and beauty products and replace them with all natural products from Whole Foods. You only live one life, right? Anyways….after three days of eating, or should I say drinking only fruit or veggie drinks (and not pooping might I add), we went out for Persian food Friday night for our friend Ray’s birthday. It was delicious and I ate my little heart out, filling my belly with pickled cabbage, mahi mahi kabobs, rice and plenty of hummus. I am sure you can see where this is going…
I woke up the next morning at 5:30 am with a familiar feeling in my tummy and tiptoed to the bathroom to do my business without waking up Anthony. Hey- maybe there was a chance that he DIDN’T know that I pooped yet. After I was finished and feeling 100% better, I naturally took the next step and flushed. Except it didn’t flush….the water rose and nothing happened. I immediately began to sweat and began searching through the “plumbing” file in my brain trying to figure out what to do next. I will just grab the plunger and fix it, I have done it in the past- no big deal. And by the silence in the air, I knew Anthony was still asleep-so,  he’ll never know. I knew that he didn’t have a plunger in the bathroom so I figured that maybe he kept it in his closet or under the sink. I tiptoed to the closet to find nothing, then to the kitchen and again found nothing. Oh, shit! My eyes widened a bit and I felt a warm rush fill my body. I searched through the “plumbing” file again and turned to Plan B- let the water go down a bit, flush again and pray that it wouldn’t overflow. And if it did, write a note saying, “nice knowing you,” immediately leave the premises, get in my car and drive as fast as I could back to Maine.
I noticed that the water did go down a bit, so I tried to flush it again, praying to God that it would work. Although it didn’t overflow, it also didn’t go down. As desperate as I was, I wouldn’t be taking any extreme measures like sticking my hand in there or having Anthony deal with this. The next best thing to do was wake him up and as much as I didn’t want to do that, I had reached the end of the “plumbing” file and was short of a solution. I walked out to the bedroom, threw my hands up in the air as if surrendering to a crime and blurted out, “I clogged the damn toilet babe!” I was mortified but hoped that maybe he had a solution. He turned over, looked at me with sleepy eyes, trying to wake up and understand what was happening all at once and said, “huh?” I asked him where his plunger was and he responded that he didn’t have one. “What do you mean, you don’t have a plunger?” I was screwed. I assured him I would take care of the situation and went back into the bathroom, to panic and figure out the best solution to this major problem I had on my hands. I first went downstairs to his lobby, woke up the doorman and asked him if he had a plunger. Mortifying moment number two of the day. He didn’t have one- of course! So, the next best thing? I would just go buy a plunger- duh! I called Ralph’s and prayed that a.) they were open and b.) they carried plungers. To my liking, it was a yes to both and I was out the door at 6:00am on a Saturday morning to go buy a plunger at the grocery store. Not before telling Anthony that if he went into the bathroom I would kill him, of course…in my mind, he would have changed the locks while I was at the store and disconnected his phone if he saw the “situation” in there. It was not my finest moment. After purchasing the LAST plunger in the entire store and a few extra items to make it look like I didn’t just wake up and clog a toilet (even though my pajamas, squinty half-asleep eyes and Russell Brand looking hair wasn’t an obvious giveaway) I was out the door and on my way back to clean this mess up. LITERALLY. 
I got back to his apartment, walked directly into the bathroom and went to work. After about 15 minutes, more nervous sweating that it wouldn’t work because it has never taken this long and an intense arm workout, everything went down. It was the happiest moment of my life. I cleaned everything up, gave a little wink to the toilet, which I had bonded with over the course of the morning, almost thanking him for working with me and went back to bed. All I kept thinking was, thank god my boyfriend still loves me…what a good man!

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