A Day In Erin’s Shoes…Literally

You know when you just have a weird day and everything seems to stand out as odd? I recently had one of those days. I was on my lunch break, walking to Trader Joe’s when I saw a gentleman getting arrested outside of Peet’s Coffee. He was handcuffed and being helped into the back of the squad car. It is a little upsetting to see anyone getting arrested and it left me with a weird feeling in my stomach but I got an even weirder feeling when I got to Trader Joe’s about fifteen minutes later. I went to grab a salad out of the refrigerated section and when I turned around, who was selecting a ‘Very Green Juice’ out of the cooler next to mine? The guy who I just saw being arrested. And I can confirm that it wasn’t his twin because I distinctly remember his blue and pink Nike sneakers. Wait a minute!!!???

Then I got in line to buy my salad, still scratching my head when the girl behind me asked if she got cut me in line because she was in a hurry. Sure, not a problem! She then introduced herself as Danger from Maine and told me a joke. “Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle!” Who the hell was this chick?

Usually when I get home from work, I workout and then eat dinner, but since I had missed Breaking Bad that week, I thought I would watch it before I worked out. Anthony was working late so I had the place to my self. When I walked in the door, I noticed a few large boxes leaning up against the counter with a note that said “I hope you like your new bike!” Aww, what a great boyfriend I had! 

Out of love and before I crashed on the couch to watch Breaking Bad, I thought I would finish up a few loads of his laundry, it’s the least I could do. When I opened the dryer and pulled out the dry clothes, I noticed that one of Anthony’s t-shirts was split in half and ripped to shreds. Oh SHIT!!!

 I began to freak out, contemplated searching online to find the exact shirt for him so I could hide it and then decided to text him and let him know what I had done. I was hoping he wouldn’t be too mad. While I was waiting for his response text, I changed into my workout clothes but when I reached down to put on my sneakers, I noticed something in my shoe. There was a small knife sticking out of it. What the hell? 

I immediately thought that somehow Anthony was watching me and was sending me a message about ruining his clothes, then my mind went to the episode of Breaking Bad that was paused on my TV and my heart skipped a beat thinking that Walter White was out to get me. No, that couldn’t be right.  Just as the beads of sweat started to drip down my forehead, I got a text back from Anthony, “Hey babe, no you didn’t ruin the shirt, I ripped it in half and forgot to take it out of the laundry. Did you happen to find the little kitchen knife? I lost it when I was opening the bike box.” PHEW! 

Lately I have been leaving him these little notes around the house that say, “I love you because________.” The one I left for him (in his shoe) tonight said, “I love you because you hide knives in my shoes.”

Dumps Like A Truck

Many of you may be wondering where I got the nickname 'Dumps' and many of you probably had no idea that my nickname was 'Dumps.' No, it doesn't have to do with my love of dump trucks, the size of my booty or my frequent trips to the bathroom...I am going to expose the meaning behind that for you right now. And yes, you are welcome- now you can sleep tonight! : )
When I was in high school I worked at Abercrombie and Fitch in Freeport, Maine with my best friend Alicia. As an employee behind the register, I had to scan the articles of clothing by the barcode located on the tag. If a certain item didn't have a barcode however, we had to use a dummy code called a 'dumpskew.' For some reason my manager thought my last name was Dumpskew instead of Demchak, so he started to call me 'Dumps' for short. Alicia of course thought this was hysterical and she started calling me 'Dumps' all the time. The only time she ever calls me Erin, til this day even, is when she is mad at me. And naturally my little sister (whom lived with Alicia and I in Boston) became 'Lil Dumps' and my parents became 'Momma Dumps' and "Poppa Dumps.' The best part? Alicia's son Victor just started to talk and now calls me 'Humpty Dumpty.'

Jonny Is Driving!

This video describes itself....

I Blame Nas

When I was a junior in college, I interned at MTV in New York City, which was one of the best experiences of my life. I took the train from Bridgeport, CT into Times Square three times a week to either assist the talent coordinator all day (he was on location about every week so I mainly sat at his desk and ate Willy Wonka candy) or help out on Total Request Live. When I was helping out on TRL, I would either prepare the cue cards for Carson Daly (who was a tad egotistical and snobby back then) or get the green room ready for the pop stars who would be coming in that day. One afternoon I was prepping the green room for the rapper Nas who wanted a specific grilled chicken salad from a specific deli down the street. So who was going to run and get it for him? Erin the intern, that's who. I hopped in a cab, picked up the salad and made it back to the studio in time to get it into the green room for Nas to eat for lunch. Usually after the show, we would clean up the green room and take any snacks that were uneaten- we were poor college students who were interning for free!

I noticed that Nas didn't touch his grilled chicken salad that I ran out of my way to get for him....the nerve! I checked with my supervisor and he said I could eat it, so I scarfed down Nas' salad and was a happy little intern. Until I got on the train home that is and my stomach started making weird noises. You know that feeling...the uncontrollable cramping in your stomach, the sweat beads rolling down your forehead. The 'why does this always happen when I am not at home' feeling? Luckily I made it home in time to get to the bathroom but I have never listened to a Nas song in the same light. I swear he gave me food poisoning...

DO NOT TOUCH MY KEN DOLL!

When I was little I wanted to do everything like my big sister, Amber. She had the best clothes, toys, games and friends and I could only hope to be like her one day (not much has changed). But when she was older, she always wanted to go hang out with her friends instead of stay home with her two little sisters and play. I was left to play with my little sister, Grace (not a bad thing), who was five years younger than me but also shared an intense passion for Barbies. One Christmas, Amber got the new Barbie and the Rockers Ken doll, equipped with a long, shiny, silver trench coat and a brush to combs his wavy, blonde locks. Grace and I couldn't wait to get our grubby little kid hands all over him but Amber gave us strict instructions NOT to touch her Ken doll. She even acted like a teacher back then, I think she sat us down, shook her finger at us while laying out her rules. This made the situation more appealing for Grace and I. We wanted to reunite Ken with his buddies- Derek, Barbie, Dee Dee and Diva, whom belonged to Grace and I. Isn't it just obvious that The Rockers needed Ken to complete their band? Grace and I thought so.

So one day, shortly after Amber threatened us with our lives not to touch her coveted Ken doll, she left for the day to go hang out with her friends. I don't think my mom's car had even left the driveway before Grace and I went sprinting up the stairs into Amber's room to grab Ken so we could get the band back together. We still aren't sure why we chose to do what we did that day but at the time it felt right to bring him outside first, alone. Maybe we wanted to ease him into meeting the rest of the Rockers first- he could have been nervous. What if he and Derek didn't get along? I also don't remember exactly who carried out the events that were about to unfold (it was probably me) but clearly I am still scarred. Grace and I (laughing the entire time) took Ken outside to play and the next thing I know, he was flying through the air, towards the well. Crash! Shocked, we ran to his side to assess the situation. It was a grim site next to that well. Even though he was still smiling and his flashy coat was still gleaming, his leg had popped off. NOOOOOO! From that day forward, he was known as Handicap Ken and we made him a wheelchair out of a pink Barbie beach chair. What happened when Amber found out, you ask? I have blocked it out of my memory, but I think she is still mad...

Salad With A Side Of Shampoo?

A few weeks ago my friend Nicole, who is also my hair stylist, gave me a dollop of shampoo to brighten up my blonde locks because she noticed that the color was fading a bit. I was at her house when she extracted my sample from her personal shampoo collection, so all she had for a container was a tiny Tupperware. You  know which kind I am talking about, the small, round fella that you would normally put salad dressing in. After I used up the shampoo, I washed the Tupperware and put it in my cabinet at home and forgot about it until today. I wanted to take a salad to work for lunch, so I prepped the lettuce and other veggies in a big Tupperware, and put my salsa (my type of salad dressing) in the littlest Tupperware I had in my cabinet....I'm sure you can see where this story is going. I took a big bite of my salad at lunch this afternoon and it was like I had squirted the shampoo directly into my mouth. Apparently 'that taste' doesn't come out of Tupperware, (or my mouth for at least a few hours for that matter).

Sharknado!

If you haven't heard of Sharknado yet, Google it, please! It is a horribly horrible 'made for TV' movie that ended up getting more press than it should have (actually it only got press because it was so ridiculous). There were a few midnight screenings over the weekend in select cities for its "followers" so my friends asked me if I wanted to go with them Friday at LA Live. I thought, why not? I did my due diligence on the film and laughed the entire time- sharks flying out of tornadoes? What the hell? Due to its ridiculousness, I felt that I needed a few drinks to help me through the movie, so we pre-gamed at my apartment before heading over to the theater.

Once we arrived, it was total madness! The 'stars' Tara Reid, Ian Ziering and Kevin McCallister's dad from Home Alone were all there posing for the paparazzi and even doing press. I have to admit I was a little bummed that I didn't know about it sooner, or I would have been on that red carpet with my Starpulse microphone asking them how the hell this movie happened! We got our tickets and headed into the theater to discover that the entire back section was reserved for everyone who was involved in the making, distributing and even catering of this movie...and their mothers. There was no way we were going to sit in the front, so we sat in the handicap row and promised the ushers that we would move if anyone who actually needed the seats came in. Well, no one did and because the handicap seats were right in the middle of the theater with plenty of leg room, the 'stars' of the film ended up sitting there too. So here we are, sitting in the same row as Tara Reid, Ian Ziering and Kevin McCallister's dad from Home Alone, ready to see Sharknado. There was even a guy there wearing a shark suit!

The lights dimmed, the crowd cheered, I saw the intro and the next thing I remember were the credits. I slept through the entire film...sitting in the same row as Tara Reid, Ian Ziering and Kevin McCallister's dad from Home Alone. It was probably due to the fact that I had three vodka and grapefruit drinks prior to going out. Apparently every time the crowd burst into laughter, I would turn to my Nabeela and tell her how funny that part was but in reality I didn't see it, I was just trying to act like I did. Never take me to a midnight movie.