Just A Prick Will Do The Trick

As you know, I am obsessed with trying different diets and I love depriving myself of delicious foods for short periods of time until I am ready to scratch my eyes out. Last week, Anthony came home with a book that his co-worker swears by called 'Eat Right For Your Type' that gives you a specific diet pertaining to your blood type. Now of course I was all over it, immediately texting my mom asking her what type I was. She didn't know and probably thought I was crazy for asking her because it's just not the type of text you normally get from your daughter. After an unsuccessful email to my doctor (who knew it was so hard to get your blood type?), Anthony and I decided to order a blood type test on Amazon because low and behold, he didn't know his type either.

After reading the book and hoping I was maybe Type O and not Type A because certain foods like pickles, sauerkraut, meat and mangoes were on the 'poison' list (WTF?), the tests arrived in the mail. I wanted to wait for Anthony so we could do it together (sweet, I know) but he told me to rip open the box and take mine first. After attempting to read the directions, I was still scratching my head, so I watched a You Tube tutorial video. In the video, a girl was demonstrating how to do the test on her friend aka the unsuspecting victim. After I saw him get really nervous the moment before she pricked his finger and heard him let out a scream after she did so, I was starting to sweat. I did all of the steps leading up to the prick and began pacing around the kitchen. I didn't want to do it to myself but I already put the water drops on the test so the clock was counting down. I had no choice, I had to do it. I twisted open the cap on the needle device thingy (it looked like the device that people with diabetes use to prick their finger) and of course it snapped in the wrong direction and broke. Shit! I attempted to take it apart and tried to prick my finger as instructed but got scared and barely touched my finger before I screamed. After sweating and pacing some more, I called Anthony for backup. He said I could do it so I tried it again. So I tried again with the busted device but I couldn't pull the trigger. So I got a sewing needle, sterilized it and tried to stab my finger. Nope, it just wasn't happening. Think, Erin, think!

How was I going to make myself bleed without seriously hurting myself? I thought about how I sometimes nicked my cuticles and made myself bleed when doing my nails so I got my tool out and began to 'cut my cuticles.' It worked but only a teeny tiny drop of blood came out. I was standing over the test, squeezing every last drop of blood out of the my cuticle literally and finally got what I needed to complete the test. And of course, from what I could tell, I was Type A. Shit!!! NO MORE PICKLES??? I was starting to convince myself that the book was a scam and there was no medical backup to prove this guy's theory. I could do without the no meat aspect of this diet but there was no way I could survive without pickles. Of course when Anthony got home, he opened his blood type test up and did it faster than I could put a band aid on my cuticle. He made it look so easy! He was also Type A which provoked double speculation and after we discovered the book was written and 1996 and Anthony read all the backlash online (things that could have been brought to my attention yesterday!) we shrugged and I ate a giant dill pickle.

Not Smart And Definitely Not Final

Today after an unannounced trip to Costco (the WORST place to go on the weekends) Anthony and I decided to head to Smart and Final (a grocery store for those of you East Coasters) to pick up a few more items. I wasn't carrying a purse, so I put my wallet, phone and shopping list in the red basket as we walked around the store collecting items. After we got everything we needed, we proceeded to the checkout. As I was unloading everything onto the belt, I realized that I had forgot something so I told Anthony to finish up and I would be right back. I reminded him about my personal items that were in the basket and scurried away to pick up that Tahini paste I forgot. (I know, I know who actually buys, let alone forgets the Tahini paste?)

Unfortunately, they didn't have Tahini paste so I ran back to the register just in time for Anthony to hand my my wallet to pay. As the lady was finishing up bagging and we were just about ready to walk away, I asked Anthony if he had my phone in his pocket. He said he didn't because he handed it to me. Clearly he didn't because it wasn't in my hand and I wasn't carrying a purse so I asked him to check again. Nothing. I told him to check the basket that he put on the ground as I asked the cashier to check around her register. Nothing. SHIT!!!!

I didn't know what to do, I felt lost without that damn phone! (Sad, I know). We went out to the car to check if it was in there even though I knew it wasn't because I was Googling "Tahini paste' in aisle 5 earlier. Luckily I had downloaded the 'Where's My iPhone' app and had Anthony pull it up on his phone. I logged into my account and low and behold my iPhone popped up. It was still turned on and in Smart and Final. After Anthony called it a few times, we decided to head back into the store. At this time, the iPhone was shut off and it was going straight to voicemail DOUBLE SHIT!!!! Once inside, we asked to speak with a manager and immediately I felt like I was on CSI. I was running up and down every aisle hoping to catch someone who either looked suspicious or who was blatantly using my phone. Nothing. While I was wildly running up and down the aisles, Anthony managed to find the manager and tell him our situation. He asked for our receipt so he could pull up the security camera footage for the exact time we checked out and see if he could figure it out. Guess who else wanted in on this little CSI fantasy of ours? The Smart and Final manager, that's who. I could just tell by the look on his face that this was the most exciting thing to happen all week. Lucky for me and my other CSI agent, Anthony, he let us in the double mirrored, secured office to watch the tape with him. This was getting good! So here we all are, three wannabe agents, huddled around a desk watching the footage of Anthony unloading the basket then forgetting to take out my cell phone (no comment), then placing the basket on the ground. And then it sat there.....the manager was hoping it wasn't one of his employees because he would have to fire them on the spot and I was hoping it was one of his employees because at least then I would know where my phone was. Then out of nowhere, this kid walks over while his mom is checking out, looks down at the basket, kicks it, ponders a bit, looks around and then bends down and puts it in his pocket! That little punk ass kid!

I was shocked and confused as to what to do now. Good thing the Smart and Final manager had watched way more CSI episodes than I because he suggested that we text the phone and say that we saw him on camera taking the phone and if he didn't return it within an hour we were calling the police. Genius. We thanked our fellow agent, gave him Anthony's number and went outside to wait in the squad car, er my car. Sorry, I was getting way to into it at this point. We had a suspect! I was getting so excited/nervous that I even got the red blotches on my chest. (Mom- you know exactly what I am talking about). Just as I was trying to think of our next move, my iPhone turned back on and the locater told us it was around the corner. Without even looking at each other, we knew what to do. It was now out mission to get the phone back, with or without our fellow agent/Smart and Final manager.

We drove around the block a few times until the ping on the app told us we were right in front of where my phone was. We pulled over in front of this ratty looking apartment building and looked at each other. Should we call the cops? Just as we were trying to figure out if 911 would be appropriate in this type of situation or if we would just call the local police department, we saw that little punk ass kid from the surveillance tape! My heart was racing. The kid came outside looking scared just as another kid pulled up on a bike. The bad kid who stole my phone kept reaching in his pocket and finally pulled out a black iPhone. I was a little discouraged because I had a pink case on mine and at that moment I thought we had the wrong suspect. But Anthony was confident and hopped out of the car. Just as he was walking up to them he overheard the bad kid tell the kid on the bike (we'll call him witness #1) something about the cops and a video at Smart and Final. Bingo! My brave man (mind you, this kid was probably ten years old) walked right up to him and witness #1 and said, "Did you find that phone at Smart and Final? You better give it back to me!" (He knew it was mine because even though bad kid ditched the case, you can't hide the giant crack in the screen- which makes me ponder why he would even take a cracked phone?) And just like that the bad kid handed it back and we drove away like two CSI agents who had just solved the crime. Of course we called our fellow crime stopper at Smart and Final and told him how it all went down. It was a proud moment for us all.

Best (Early) Birthday Gift EVER!

As I do almost everyday, I collect the various packages from our mailbox to give to my Amazon obsessed fiance. But yesterday there was a special package in the mix....for me! Even though my birthday isn't for another month, my man gave me the BEST gift ever. And after I tell you what it is (and after you stop laughing), I will give you the back story. 

I bought an amazing white sweater from MACY's in December and after wearing only a couple of times, it started to pill like a madman. I tried picking them off (time consuming), using duct tape (didn't work) and even placing it in the back of my closet to forget about it. But I missed it and I wanted to wear it and not look like crap. So, I brought it to my dry cleaners to see if he could work his magic. He raised his thick, gray eyebrows and said he would do his best. Three days after I dropped off the sweater, he called and said my sweater broke the fabric shaver machine and he needed a few more days. Okay....I'll give him a week to cool off- he didn't seem very happy. When I finally got the call that my fave sweater was ready, I practically skipped down the street to pick it up. When I walked in, he gave me a very devious smile as if to say, 'ahhh- the sweater girl!' For about ten minutes he belittled that sweater (in front of me) and basically told me he never wanted to see it again. He handed me an envelope full of all the pilly lint he pulled off the sweater (what the hell was I going to do with that?) and told me to say hi to his buddy, Anthony. Great- so now I was going to be their little joke! "Your fiance and her damn sweater! Blah Blah Blah..."

Cut to present day with that Amazon package in hand, me sweating with anticipation, Anthony beaming with pride. I open it and it's my very own 'In Edge' fabric shaver!!!! Yeah, I know- I am getting old....Next year I will probably get a vacuum cleaner or a new toilet brush. But the best part about my gift? Not only is my sweater perfect again but our couch has been experiencing a bit of a pill problem as well and I got to use my new fabric shaver on that to boot! I sat there for about fifteen minutes last night de-pilling our couch stroke by stroke, cushion by cushion. It was amazing! I'm just glad we don't have any pets because I'm sure I would have tried to experiment on them....

Odd Job Resume

They say you have to go through a few hardships before you find your place in the world, right? Well, in my case, that means working various odd jobs before I finally discovered my passion. No matter how big or small the job was, it was always a learning experience and I unfailingly took something away from it. Like that summer when I worked for my brother-in-law's landscaping business. I learned that I wasn't cut out to do hard labor and if you batted your eyelashes enough you could get any guy to push a wheel barrel full of rocks for you. And at my very first job at the Hanes outlet in Freeport I learned never to walk into a dressing room if you were called in for assistance without your eyes closed because you were most likely going to see some boobs. Even though my degree is in Media Studies (what is that anyways?) and I am technically writing this blog as well as writing for Starpulse, I am still not pursing my passion full time but it's OK because I love my job and can merely chalk it up as a profession I have dabbled in. Other professions I have dabbled in you may ask? Here it goes.

One summer in high school, I worked for Gibraltar Pools in the Cooks Corner Mall in Brunswick attempting to sell unsuspecting mall shoppers a pool. Does anyone remember that random pool that sat outside the T.J. Maxx? Yup, I was that girl who approached you to ask if  had a pool already or if you were looking to buy one. Most of the time I just stood there smiling at people and wrote down all of my family and friend's phone numbers on the contact list at the end of the day. What did I get out of that job? The validation that I was not a good pool salesperson. I also worked in the SEARS in that same mall in the Home Goods section, was a salesperson (yet again?) at Victoria's Secret where I saw many more boobs in the dressing room, I was a hostess at On the Border, a hair model, a showgirl at the Bangor Casino on New Year's Eve and did my time as a promotional model for various liquor companies in which I dressed up in crazy costumes and paraded around bars in Boston.

You all know about my wiener slinging days at the hot dog stands in Freeport, I have interviewed celebs on red carpet events for Starpulse, dealt Poker, did a few runway shows, flew to North Carolina once to interview for the Miss Sprint Cup position (for all you NASCAR fans out there) and even was the emcee for the world's largest Jenga game at the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica.You want more? For one night only, I was a Go-Go Dancer at a gay bar until I discovered how uncomfortable I was walking around in a bra, underwear and Go Go boots (yes Mom, I was fully clothed) accepting dollar bills in my boots while being called 'Natasha from Slovakia.' Not proud of that one...and while I was a full time assistant at KPMG, I took a few half days to model for Boston Costume. That was actually one of my favorite jobs. I went to the back of store where they dressed me up in crazy costumes (like the Tina Turner one I shared) and took pictures of me for their website. Looking back on all of these 'occupations' I think I am ready to retire at 32. But I will keep on working for a few years until I am a stay-at-home mom/pickle maker/fitness model/novelist. Just a few more crazy jobs I'd like to try...  

My Quest For The Perfect Natural Deodorant

Last year, Anthony and I watched this documentary about the harmful toxins that are entering your body through your lotions, makeup, hairspray and deodorant. Horrified yet hesitant to give up my favorite brands, I have tried to make the switch on most of my beauty products and now I use organic, all natural shampoo, conditioner, body wash, makeup and hairspray (for the most part). But finding that perfect natural deodorant that won't leave me smelling like a Sumo Wrestler after a brief walk across the street? Next to impossible. I think I would have a better chance at actually becoming a Sumo Wrestler....

First, I tried a brand named 'Crystal' that looked straight out of the 1980's. I'm pretty sure the girl on the front of the bottle was Jane Fonda and I felt like I should be working at a strip club with that in my possession. It was the wet, roll-on type which I immediately hated but I tried it anyways to save my body from those nasty toxins. I'm not a really sweaty person naturally and only perspire heavily after a good workout. I usually didn't smell after a workout with my trusty 'Secret' deodorant, but after a light jog with 'Crystal' I smelled like a farm animal. Toss.

Next I tried some hippie brand at Whole Foods but I couldn't stand the scent of patchouli that lingered around my body like the cloud of filth that followed Pigpen from Peanuts...that one was trash. Feeling hopeless, I bought another brand from Whole Foods called 'Kiss My Face' and after using the same brand of lotion, I was feeling optimistic. That one was also sticky and smelled like a man but I decided to try it out before my spin class. Bad idea...I'm pretty sure a few people behind my bike wished they were sitting on the other side of the room. I even gagged a little after I smelled my armpit post class. 'Kiss My Face?' How about 'Kiss My Stench!'

Before I went back to my harmful, loaded with free radicals 'Secret,' I thought I would give 'Tom's of Maine' a try. I was from Maine, so it should do the trick, right? Apparently, that wasn't how it worked. This natural deodorant was not only a deodorant but an antiperspirant to boot. Hooray! I was so confident that I wouldn't stink after a quick run on the treadmill that I even had Anthony give me a whiff afterwards. Double bad idea. I smelled like I hadn't taken a bath in weeks, then took a bath in the dirty bathwater from Honey Boo Boo's entire family. I quit my search and drove to Costco to stock up on 'Secret.' What's the harm in a little aluminum when you smell like a million bucks? No harm, I promise.

You’re Too Big To Fit In Here….

Yesterday I took my car to the car wash, which is on the ground floor of the parking structure next to my office. It was as easy as pie. For $15, I dropped my car off at 7:00 am before work and it was ready by lunch. And let me tell you, they did a fabulous job! Bob (my Audi) was very happy and couldn’t stop smiling the whole ride home. So of course once my fiancé (I’m obsessed with saying that word by the way) saw Bob he asked if I could take his Tahoe to work the next day so it could get a wash. And because I am such an amazing fiancé (I really heart that word) I agreed.

I got up the next morning, hopped in his Tahoe and began my lovely commute on the 10 freeway. I drive Anthony’s truck sometimes to work so I am familiar with it but it’s just so big compared to my little Audi. I always feel like a giant beast in his Tahoe but I like it because no one wants to mess with me. I finally arrive at the parking structure next to my work and pull in. Right off the bat I notice the swinging yellow bar above my head that said ‘clearance 6’2” and I wrinkle my brow and think, “I’m pretty sure this thing has a clearance of 6’ so I’m all good.” I pull the ticket, the gate arm opens and immediately a read light above my head starts flashing, “overweight, please back out.” A.) How dare he? And B.) OH *%$#!

I look around, duck down a little so I wouldn’t hit my head (it makes no sense, I know, but everyone does it when they drive in parking structures!) and proceeded straight ahead to the car wash. I was convinced that on my way there I was going to slice the top off Anthony’s truck, bring home a convertible to him and NEVER be able to use that word ‘fiancé’ again. But lucky for me, the Tahoe was 6’, nobody said anything to me about being too big, and his truck is nice and shiny…and in one piece. 

From Hot Dogs To Hollywood

After I graduated college in 2003, I had no idea what I was going to do with my life like most college graduates, right? I was working at the hot dog stands in Freeport with my best friends, Alicia, Jeri and Holly when we came up with the idea to move to Los Angeles. We actually had a brilliant idea to utilize my contacts at MTV and pitch them a reality show about the 'six' of us (our friend Elaine from Ireland and Alicia's English Mastiff, Sampson would also be joining us on our trip out West). Our plan was to rent a camper, hitch up my Jetta to the back and drive from Maine to California with no apartment and no jobs awaiting us in Los Angeles. Sounded like an amazing reality show right? Unfortunately after our meeting with MTV, they decided they had too much on their plate and luckily for us (now that I think about it) the show didn't happen. If our idea were to be pitched to MTV today, I am sure we would all be famous by now, and probably crackheads and in jail too.....Alas, the MTV team we met with created The Hills shortly after our meeting and I didn't end up like Lauren Conrad or Heidi Montag.

Anyways, back to our trip....so on that snowy and freezing January 9th morning in 2004 (as you can tell in our picture, we were freezing), we packed up the camper and set forth for Cali. None of us ever have driven something that big and back in that day when there really wasn't any sort of GPS, we had the old fashioned paper maps in hand, routing our way across the US. We made many stops along the way of course as we had nothing solid waiting for us upon our arrival in LA. Now that I say that out loud, it sounds CRAZY!!! My poor parents...how did they let me leave their warm and safe home in Maine? Because I'm the middle child, that's why! 

I remember stopping in Maryland the first night to pull over and sleep at a truck stop in the freezing cold. Then we made it to Atlanta to tour the Coca-Cola factory and then headed down to Tampa to visit Alicia's brother and sister-in-law. I think we even went to Hooters, oh and Disney World of course. Next we went to New Orleans where we shacked up at the shadiest mobile home park I have ever been to (sorry Mom and Pop) and partied our faces off on Bourbon Street. Then I think we drove to El Paso so Jeri could visit her Uncle while we stayed in a Wal-Mart parking lot (brushing your teeth in the Wal-Mart bathroom at 7:00 am is a hoot, let me tell you) and drove across the border to Juarez, Mexico where I valet parked my car so we could walk around for a few hours- again, am I freaking crazy??? After those adventures, we made it the to Hoover Damn, the Grand Canyon (this was an educational trip too) and to Las Vegas to visit Holly's grandmother and party of course. Finally, we made it safely to Los Angeles where we found a two bedroom apartment and eventually jobs and lives. Surprisingly, I am the only one of us who remains in LA and am still compiling our adventure for a book...you would all love to read about it, right?