An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctors Away

A few weeks ago, my friend Lisa, who is a producer on the daytime talk show, The Doctors, left me a voice mail asking me if I would be interested in coming on the show. Honestly, I had never seen the show before and had no idea what I would be doing but I was intrigued, so I called her back. When I got a hold of her, she told me that the segment was going to be about ‘bumps down there’ and they needed an attractive girl with a big personality who would liven up the segment. Me? I laughed….here I was, trying to pursue my dream as an entertainment host and now I would be on television talking about vajayjays? Why not! I told her I would do it as long as I didn’t have to lie and say I had any sort of bump down there short of occasional razor burn and she convinced me it would be fine and gave me all the details. I was a definite yes. I called my mom and told her that I was going to be on the show talking about vaginas and she laughed for about ten minutes.

That next Thursday, I took the day off from work, slept in, picked out an outfit and headed to Paramount Studios sans makeup because she told me I would be getting my hair and makeup done before the show. Snap! When I arrived at the lot, I parked and let her know that I was there. I was surprised when she said that she was sending a golf cart to pick me up and I already felt like a celebrity. Now I understood why these D-list reality stars milk their fifteen minutes of fame for all its worth- it felt great to be ‘famous.’ Once we arrived at the stage, she led me upstairs to my dressing room, yup, MY dressing room. It said ‘Erin’ on the door and everything (I mean that IS my name but it was just fun seeing it there). Okay, so now the girl from Maine was coming and I think I peed a little from excitement as I waited to get my hair and makeup done. Once I was camera ready, I hopped out of the makeup chair and lined up with the rest of the ‘audience members’ waiting to head down to the set. Spoiler alert- all of those TV shows that you see where you think the audience members are chosen out of the blue are a hoax! Basically everyone in the audience is an extra and the chosen ones who will actually be brought up to the stage are all planned. Nothing is real on TV, not ever the cases on Judge Judy… sorry kids!

After being placed in the audience and getting prepped on where to stand once I got up on stage and what I was supposed to bring to the segment, I was a tad nervous. Basically I was supposed to be the audience member who got called up when the gynecologist was discussing good and bad bumps on the vagina and feel these make believe bumps and say what I thought. Here I was, Erin from Maine, touching fake vaginas on TV…my family was definitely going to have a viewing party once the show aired. What if I blanked and couldn’t think of something witty to say when asked about the vagina? What if I did horrible and my friend never wanted me to come back?  How did I get in this situation again? Then I took a deep breath and thought, it’s just casual vajayjay talk on national TV….Yikes! 

When my segment began, it all seemed like a flash and the next thing I knew, I was up on the stage next to Doctor Lisa and the hot doctor (who is too hot to have a name) grazing my hand over a board of bumps commenting on how one looked like a wad of bubblegum and if I saw that one I would run screaming to my doctor. Soon enough it was over and I was on my home. My friend texted me shortly after and said that I did fabulous and I was happy she thought so, because it was all a blur to me. At least I made her happy…and my vagina, I’m sure!