Writing about my New Year’s Eve champagne bottle trick
failure last month got me thinking about past New Year’s Eves and how something
always goes wrong for me…like last year when my best friend Beth got married on
New Year’s Eve in Tucson. What could possible go wrong? Erin, that’s what!
It all started when a stray spark from one of the sparklers
that was given out at midnight burned a hole through the top of my pantsuit.
Next, as I went to use the restroom inside Beth’s parent’s house, I heard a
faint voice calling my name in the other bathroom down the hall. Who the hell
was calling my name? I was a little drunk and very much confused. As I made my
way down the hallway, I noticed it was my friend Kari’s husband, Elan, calling
out for my help. Why was he calling my name? Where was Kari? This was not good…
Just then, Elan burst out of Beth’s parent’s bathroom
looking like he had just done something horrible. He looked at me like I was
the light at the end of his tunnel. “Erin, I just puked in the toilet and it
isn’t going down! Don’t tell Kari!” Great! This is all I need, to be stuck in
the bathroom with my friend’s husband keeping secrets. This was starting to
feel like a bad soap opera. I promised Elan that I wouldn’t look into the
toilet; I pushed him out of the way and proceeded to take the back of the tank
off the toilet. As Elan stumbled to get out of the way, he knocked over his
glass that was sitting on the edge of the tub, shattering it. Wonderful! Now I
had two messes to clean up, stuck in this bathroom with my friend’s husband.
Was I being Punk’d? Where was Ashton? I told Elan to clean up the glass as I
reached my hand into the tank and manually flushed the toilet. Yes, I am part
boy sometimes. As Elan was on his hands and knees drunkenly cleaning up the
mess, the toilet cooperated with me and his puke went down…success!
I stepped over him to get to the sink to look at the damage
I had done to my face and hair and noticed that my eyes were a bit red. For
anyone who knows me, I don’t take well to red eyes and may even admit to a
slight addiction to eye drops. I opened Beth’s parent’s medicine cabinet (now I
was just overstepping every boundary) to see if there was any Visine inside. I
found something resembling eye drops and quickly squirted the liquid into my
eye before someone discovered I was shut in Beth’s parent’s bathroom, alone
with my friend’s husband, rummaging through their medicine cabinet. Before I
could even get the cap back on, my eye started to burn and I doubled over in
pain and screamed. Through my other watery and half open eye I peered at Elan,
who was now standing over me in complete horror. He had no idea what was
happening and looked like he had just discovered a dead body. Just then, I
heard Kari say, “Where is my husband?” and Beth’s dad walked in the bathroom to
see what was going on. Elan and I tried to explain the situation as he called
for help. Can you say embarrassing?
Just then, a small crowd started to form outside the
bathroom and Beth’s sister-in-law who is a kindergarten teacher and has flushed
sand out of plenty of kid’s eyes on the playground walked in to assist. I
showed her what I put in my eye and she immediately shook her head. Apparently
Beth’s mom is the last person on Earth who uses hard contacts still and I had
poured the solution she uses to wash them directly into my eye. Brilliant, Erin!
After a ten minute session under the faucet getting my eye washed out while
Elan tried to explain what happened, I could see again. I should have brought
an eye patch that night because for the remainder of the reception, my left eye
was completely bloodshot and I had mascara stains all down my cheek. Beth and
Kris are still married, Kari is still my friend and Elan told his wife that he
puked, so I guess it wasn’t all that bad…
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