Friday, March 29, 2013

Eye Have No Idea How I Got Into This Situation

Writing about my New Year’s Eve champagne bottle trick failure last month got me thinking about past New Year’s Eves and how something always goes wrong for me…like last year when my best friend Beth got married on New Year’s Eve in Tucson. What could possible go wrong? Erin, that’s what!
It all started when a stray spark from one of the sparklers that was given out at midnight burned a hole through the top of my pantsuit. Next, as I went to use the restroom inside Beth’s parent’s house, I heard a faint voice calling my name in the other bathroom down the hall. Who the hell was calling my name? I was a little drunk and very much confused. As I made my way down the hallway, I noticed it was my friend Kari’s husband, Elan, calling out for my help. Why was he calling my name? Where was Kari? This was not good…
Just then, Elan burst out of Beth’s parent’s bathroom looking like he had just done something horrible. He looked at me like I was the light at the end of his tunnel. “Erin, I just puked in the toilet and it isn’t going down! Don’t tell Kari!” Great! This is all I need, to be stuck in the bathroom with my friend’s husband keeping secrets. This was starting to feel like a bad soap opera. I promised Elan that I wouldn’t look into the toilet; I pushed him out of the way and proceeded to take the back of the tank off the toilet. As Elan stumbled to get out of the way, he knocked over his glass that was sitting on the edge of the tub, shattering it. Wonderful! Now I had two messes to clean up, stuck in this bathroom with my friend’s husband. Was I being Punk’d? Where was Ashton? I told Elan to clean up the glass as I reached my hand into the tank and manually flushed the toilet. Yes, I am part boy sometimes. As Elan was on his hands and knees drunkenly cleaning up the mess, the toilet cooperated with me and his puke went down…success!
I stepped over him to get to the sink to look at the damage I had done to my face and hair and noticed that my eyes were a bit red. For anyone who knows me, I don’t take well to red eyes and may even admit to a slight addiction to eye drops. I opened Beth’s parent’s medicine cabinet (now I was just overstepping every boundary) to see if there was any Visine inside. I found something resembling eye drops and quickly squirted the liquid into my eye before someone discovered I was shut in Beth’s parent’s bathroom, alone with my friend’s husband, rummaging through their medicine cabinet. Before I could even get the cap back on, my eye started to burn and I doubled over in pain and screamed. Through my other watery and half open eye I peered at Elan, who was now standing over me in complete horror. He had no idea what was happening and looked like he had just discovered a dead body. Just then, I heard Kari say, “Where is my husband?” and Beth’s dad walked in the bathroom to see what was going on. Elan and I tried to explain the situation as he called for help. Can you say embarrassing?
Just then, a small crowd started to form outside the bathroom and Beth’s sister-in-law who is a kindergarten teacher and has flushed sand out of plenty of kid’s eyes on the playground walked in to assist. I showed her what I put in my eye and she immediately shook her head. Apparently Beth’s mom is the last person on Earth who uses hard contacts still and I had poured the solution she uses to wash them directly into my eye. Brilliant, Erin! After a ten minute session under the faucet getting my eye washed out while Elan tried to explain what happened, I could see again. I should have brought an eye patch that night because for the remainder of the reception, my left eye was completely bloodshot and I had mascara stains all down my cheek. Beth and Kris are still married, Kari is still my friend and Elan told his wife that he puked, so I guess it wasn’t all that bad…

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